do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
how drunk are you?
Several
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
