I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
