now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize