you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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