Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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