trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
