I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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