she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
