masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
