i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
