I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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