Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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