She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
