her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
sarcasm needs its own font
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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