Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
