No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
