hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
