It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
