i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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