remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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