Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
