Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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