my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
