You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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