i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
