I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
