Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
