Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Randomize
