I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
