I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
