btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
