a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize