hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
