if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
