can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
