Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
