One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
All I want is dick and wine.
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