I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Randomize
