If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Randomize