I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
