I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She needs sedatives and a leash
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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