I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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