I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
