i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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