I murdered the dance floor call the cops
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
