I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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