I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He shit in the fireplace
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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