I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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