glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
