I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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