took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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