There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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