He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
