This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
