3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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