It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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