This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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