why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
