I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
