I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
